If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
15 Ridiculous Ways Broke People Managed to Make a Buck
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
These 27 C*ck Blocks Are Savage AF
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.