probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
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I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
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You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler