so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
