next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
