I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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