I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
