clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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