Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
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