I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
