i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
