I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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