D3 body, D1 cock
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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