i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
