as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
