shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
