My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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