well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
The beer is more important than you right now.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
