A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
why does every cop we meet know your name?
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
