I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Randomize
