I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
