while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Drake has all the answers
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
