Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
