A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
