someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
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