You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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