she looked like the before picture.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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