Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Randomize
