i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
