it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
