I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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