My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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