today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
You are the jesus of drinking
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
