Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Randomize
