I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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