i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
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The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
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Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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