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I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
he was CRYING into my vagina
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
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