When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season