I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
