why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
