just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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