You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
