i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
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If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
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I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
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