I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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