The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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