By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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