I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
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I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
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I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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