we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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