like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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