I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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