I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize
