oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Randomize
