I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
