I wish I only lived at night.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
