His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Randomize
