last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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