She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
