I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
