Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
