Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Randomize
