I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Randomize