She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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