I saw his package. It spoke to me.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
